see saw

The turkey came out the oven perfect. The potatoes I burnt a little and the sprouts were undercooked and then only after the meal realized I left the stuffing in the oven.

I take a walk on Christmas day. I'm not sure why. Maybe because it's the only day of the year that it is dead quiet in my neighborhood, a neighborhood you couldn't pay me enough to walk for lesiure. Or maybe I just don't like most of my relatives who can all of a sudden without invitation, pop by.

I decided to go visit a school friend who I hadn't seen for about 8 years. I did this 8 years ago on Christmas day. I went to school with him and we were best friends since the age of about 5- 15. I rang the bell and some guy opened the door. Just before I asked for my friend, I realized it was him I was talking to. He had filled out in the past 8 years. He said he wouldn't have recognized me and I'm not sure why because I don't look all that different. In fact, someone recently said I haven't physically changed one bit. He invited me in and we had a nice chat. Despite having different worlds, we both seem to retain the ability to communicate as if we know each other and he is still warm and kind. We were both quiet, sensitive and softly spoken as children and those sensibilities have remained a rooted part of us. It was very good to see him.

I came back and played Mar Jong with my parents which I have never done. We were missing a player but that didn't matter. It was a strange yet enjoyable evening. I had been drinking red wine since noon and fell asleep about 9pm in the living room. I got up and my Dad said I used to do that while waiting for him to finish work.

I can't recall what I was really like when I was a child. I know I was afraid of a lot of things. Ironically, I have become pretty fearless as an adult. Youth work which taught me how to be an adult. Travelling which taught me about freedom and life. Falling in love taught me about pain and myself. Cinematography taught me that we can achieve things we believe in. Knowing people who have known you at certain stages in your life can give you a context to your own history. I for one am deeply grateful there are a few people I still can see from time to time who have known me before my twenties. Fundamentally, it can inform you that you have made it this far through life and it can make you feel alive.

There is an old saying that, 'if we don't know where we came from, how do we know where we are going?'. More often than not, I find that we tend to concentrate on either the past, the present or the future though rarely considering the sum of the whole. This can be percieved as an imbalance of sorts. Not unlike, the Christmas lunch I made.

- J