Is That All There Is?

It is as they say, one of those days. Though it didn't start off too badly...

I called a few agencies and told them I would be sending or dropping off a showreel for them and all seemed fine. McKinney Macartney Management said they weren't taking any upstarts, well, what they actually said they weren't taking any more clients. But hey, most of they're clients are people I read about so... Casarotto Marsh
is another biggie I can forget about too. Frankly, they're aren't that many. I am only sending to 6 and I will have no chance for Dench Arnold or Big Fish. So let's say 4. Dinedor, Sara Putt Associates and Wizzo are my best bets (though the odds are anybody's guess). So I finished up my letters, cleaned up my DVD covers and burned my reels.

I got on my bicycle to get some envelopes. One my way back I fell. Badly enough to be limping now.

I went over to my brother in laws to print my letters and covers. Despite not being very much ink, he said it wasn't really on as he might run out and that he was finishing his grad project in 2 weeks. I never argue with him, or anyone else for that matter. I was still in pain from my fall. I simply said I would buy him a pack of black ink tomorrow (ie. problem solved). Despite his reasoning, I find it fascinating and sad that people can be so selfish. Yesterday he asked me if I had time, I could help him shoot a little video for a presentation he has. I said yea, whenever. Some people...

I came home and called the producer of the corporate for an update. He said he was sorry he hadn't been in touch but he had booked someone else for the job, someone who was unavailable when he spoke to me last (ie. yesterday afternoon). I was cool about it- as cool as one can be having lost a 3 day job that paid £1000+ and getting to work in Munich and Paris.

Things happen for a reason don't they. Then again, I'm not sure I would have offered to pay for black ink if I knew I was going to be out of the job as I can barely afford it and I maybe coulda waited because I wasn't going to be away the rest of the weekdays this week.

And now, I literally JUST recieved something in the maiI don't want to read. This is a cosmic conspiracy...

- J

After the Silent Sleep

I came back to London, back to the grind. I managed how to use Lightscribe which uses my DVD burner to etch images/text onto a disc using the lazer. I have had it for 2 and a half years and never got around to it. That proved more fruitful than I thought and the text turned out lovely. A timely thing doing my showreel for prospective agents. Though being a little intimidated by the propesct of 'proper' work from an agent, this is the next viable step to make.

I got a job on a corporate. Though, no ordinary one. We will be shooting in London, then Paris then Munich. A three day shoot starting Wednesday. This was timely as funds dwindle about now. It's a good gig.

I leave behind someone in Norwich who for some strange and inexplicable reason, I miss. A quiet girl.

I need to catch up on my Mandarin lessons in a week or so. I am lagging behind on my self imposed deadlines.

- J

The Modern Fables of Aimee Mann

There are rare times when I have small doubts about what decisions I make. I also have a theory that everything is predetermined whatever decision we make so therefore I shouldn’t worry about it because even if I do, that was predetermined too. My scientific philosophy about the path of life will go no further at this point right now. Anyway. I’m going away for a few days tomorrow and though not doing or having any intention of doing something significant, the going away part is significant enough to grant thought. I said I would and then the opportunity arose and then I became conscientious about my own behaviour. Before that regarding this scenario, I was happy doing what I felt like. But there are other people involved so I must be aware of what I say and do. Responsibility wakes up sometimes, when it matters.

Sometimes we are happening. And sometimes, we aren’t quite. And sometimes when we aren’t, we take check of things. And that’s sort of where I am these days. I have a break so I am starting up a few things and getting around to do things I had no time to do before. I take check I do something everyday that I don’t want to miss as something I could have done.

I don’t know what going away will bring and I can justify it as a little ‘break away’ from a ‘break at home’ but the truth is, I am curious about it.

Maybe, as my seemingly constantly bubbling life simmers, I am finding new things to turn up the flame a little. Just a bit. I believe in quietness, not boredom. I like to keep things interesting in some way. Though at times, it brings trouble. All this reminds me of a time I recall like another life…

A number of years ago, the film Magnolia came out at a pinnacle moment in time for 3 people I know including myself and this song, Wise Up (among all) by Aimee Mann (whose songs inspired the making of the film and also provided the soundtrack to) seem to sum up what we were unintentionally doing to seriously mess up our own and others lives at that point in time. So painful was that experience that I couldn’t listen to any of the music I loved that time for many years to come.

“It’s not… what you thought… when you first began it. You got… what you want…. You can hardly stand it though, by now you know it’s not going to stop, it’s not going to stop, it’s not going to stop, till you wise up.”


- J

the sound of talking with your mouth shut

I’m having 3 teeth taken out tomorrow morning. Today, I wrote a whole email in Chinese.

I have a history of negligence regarding molars in my mouth. Despite loving food and eating I let my teeth go to the dentist crematorium. When I was about 6 or 7 I was gassed so I could have a lot of teeth taken out. The whole crew of dentists held me down so they could gas me. I can’t remember a lot of my childhood. I do remember that had a whole set of adult teeth by the time I was 8, about the same time I started to wear glasses. My teeth haven’t lasted that long and my eye sight deteriorates each year. But I guess in theory, things last longer when you take care of them. Same with people really.

I guess don’t mind being short sighted and having most of my teeth crowned with caps. But I guess, it’s what I’m used to. Maybe it’s so much that I appreciate what I still have, rather than what I don’t.

What I do mind is not knowing how to speak or write Chinese (Mandarin or Putounghua). And this, I have taken activity to rectify this of late and for the time to come. And so it’s quite pleasurable to have written a whole email in Chinese with help from my knowledge of Cantonese, my teach yourself afternoons and an online translator. I could have read it too. I have never known another language other than the ones I spoke while growing up and have never sought to learn another.

I think as people, we can get used to a lot. Normalcy can breed complacency and apathy that can lead to a stunting in personal growth. Maybe that’s what settling down means. I’m not sure. But it seems that there comes a point where we are tired of being single or dating or whatever and we want to stay with one person. You are lucky if you find that person you want to stay with sans no one else for the rest of your life but, it happens. So your accumalation of knowledge, wisdom and experience can now be applied to the one thing most people strive for- a stable, loving relationship. There are no more planets when one has found their world.

I once was lucky enough to find a world. Though it wasn’t one I belonged to. It had the climate of the English weather in one day, the four seasons. You can bring the umbrella with your tee shirt on but when the rain came, you weren’t sure you should put your umbrella up. And boy, did it come sideways, in the howling wind.

My point is this, that we are what we are because of, and we often are refined through a process of elimination, conscious or otherwise, to become what we continuously are. That once our sands run through clear through the many holes in time, we turn it over through the few holes we leave open. What we often do not leave open is our minds.

My personal point is this, after years of thinking one thing, I was offered another, and another and I saw them, and they were right for me. I chose to take them not because I haven’t turned over my sands, it’s because I turn them over and left not less holes, but different ones. This is right for me. Is the beginning of wisdom at the point where we admit that we know nothing? Or that we use our knowledge wisely? I think there is no answer.

My teeth being extracted leaves me yes with 3 less teeth but also with the knowledge that I can write an email in Chinese. Though maybe if I took care of my teeth, maybe I wouldn’t have been compelled to learn Chinese. Seemingly uncorrelated, but you see, everything is.

- J

In the bedroom

I got into cinematography for the purpose of eventually shooting feature films. Though as time went on, one realized that the likelihood of having the opportunity to do this was slim. Doing the features you want to do was even further away. You reside to the notion that you were lucky to get an agent and shoot music videos and at most, shoot commercials. So for years I have debated the ‘commercial’, I didn’t get into it to sell washing powder, cars and fast food. There are good commercials to be done, they’re just few and very far between. So now is the lesser of two evils. A friend said I should take the money and do something I want to do with it because if you don’t do it, they’ll just get someone else and you’ll be out of pocket. Moby once allowed the use of his track for a car commercial only to put the money he made to an organisation that fought car emissions. Another friends said, ‘what are you going to say if your agent offers you a commercial?’. Good question.

I am on the verge now of collating my work as it’s a decent standard now and after years of not feeling quite right and ready, I am now. I am tired of straddling the tracks of low/no paid jobs for over 4 years. I want to travel, I want to do things but I can't without the funds. It is somewhat a means to an end. But I haven’t gotten pass the hurdle of getting an agent yet let alone face the jobs aspect. Doing it ‘non professionally’ is all and well. You can’t fuck up anyway but at least when an agent and large production company is hiring you, you really can’t. Which is why I have taken the time to ‘get out there’. In the words of Edward Norton's charactor is Fight Club, 'I am a 30 year old boy'. The last 5 months of work has provided a good standard to present myself with. This is my work, I would like some representation… One can think of it as such: a hobby turned into a profession. But I didn't think that one day I could do it without that I was figuring it out on set all the time which has become less of the case the more jobs one does.

Doing The Concretes video was a very good step. I worked with David for 2 years when he was a student until this ‘break’ for us both came. And you know, when you do it, it’s not as big a deal as it once was, just a continuation. It wasn’t a leap into the unknown, just a continuation of what you do. Confidence comes from doing. I saw the other videos of The Concretes when they were signed to EMI and they had £50k budgets and I felt a little intimidated. We had next to nothing. Me and David put a token amount for the camera equipment to JDC and the film stock was mine. I pulled favours from my crew. We made it happen and everyone including the band love the video.

2 of the previous The Concretes videos were done by Daniel Levi and he saw me and David’s video for Lucky Soul and he said, ‘WHO shot that?’. Joe dunton and their crew at JDC have seen it and like it. Joe Dunton saw Escaping Ornsay and like it. If the president of the British Society of Cinematographer’s is on your side, one shouldn’t feel that bad. Even still, getting an agent is very, very difficult. But, in May, when my reel is done and dusted, I will sally forth. We can only go forward. And agent or no agent, one still must, sally forth.

I come from a ‘Michael Gondry’ school. It’s a bedroom mentality that we do this anyway. The fact that someone is willing to give us money to present and act our talent’s is great. It is but not, different from shooting something in your bedroom. On that note, The Concretes video was edited and composited from David’s bedroom and some of WAS shot in his kitchen.





- J