You're Aging Well

I have this theory based upon the big bang theory or the universe that things are always going in one direction no matter what decisions we make, were the ones we inalienably were supposed to make. Though it does throw me sometimes.

I decided over the weekend that I would not go on that trip around rural China that has been more or less, offered to me. It is not my time. I am on the the verge or continuing journey of making a decent career of doing cinematography. This is important to me. Traveling in rural China is important to me too but I feel it is not the right time. I am tired of having money for half the year and not much at all for the other half. I am tired of low budget shoots struggling to get things decent. I am tired of not having my own place.

Although I have changed in my main paradigms of career/money/family/own place from idealism to realism- these ting remain as goals to attain. I have traveled much and wish to do more. I wish to live and work in China. But for all that to happen, I must or rather, want to attain a good position in my career that allows me to comfortably attain those other things. Which right now, I am not. But I may be at a good position to do so. To go to China for a year and come back with the same financial position at 35- I don't want to be. One year to be away is just too long in those circumstances. Many would jump at the chance. I did. Though after more information and thought, I realized that I need roots in both my career and financial stability. Years are going by so quickly I do not want to be 40 and have not both of those things. They may take 5 years but I cannot spend one year exploring unknown territory.

Something does tell me that I have to go and the other half tells me that I need to do something else. The trip would mostly be to satisfy my own means though I admit, I am not there for anyone else. Everyone who will benefit then or in the future is by default. I am not ready to do that. I am responsible for other people and I do not want to live with the independence of a alone- ness existence.

It is so unknown, I am not willing to take that risk. If anything were to happen while I was away, I cannot take the next flight out. Rural China does not have airports.

It's not just the career/financial reasons. If I am traveling for a year, that also puts any possible relationship out of opportunity.

Hearing various people/friends who are in their early thirties, I also came to that even though I am on my way to getting the career I wanted for a while, I am not quite there yet and putting it back a year isn't probably going to help. I must make use of each year that comes as it has taken me this long to get to where i am now.

In the film, The Score, Robert De Nero says, 'decide what you want in your life and try to get it bit by bit'.

I have run for miles. And am learning to walk again. Although the road signs have been good, one has to take the roads that lead us to the destination we are going.

For Dar Williams.

- J